If you’re reading this from the Southern parts of the UK you’ll know about the glorious sunshine gracing our lands for the past week or so. I have certainly been enjoying it. After a cruel winter, I almost forgot how much I crave the infectious activeness brought on by good weather. My social life peaked for the first time this year, enjoying several trips to Bristol parks and a rather weird but fun night with old friends, Tequila and Buckfast. Before that I was getting to the point where I was pissing myself off because a voice inside somewhere just kept whispering to me that I was grieving and that was heightening my anxiety and I was getting myself into a right mess.
The truth is is that my anxiety is not that bad, it’s low functioning, but for awhile now I’ve been fine to go out, I just don’t want to. I don’t know why – I can’t be bothered to walk to my destination or I can’t muster the energy to interact with others. This isn’t anxiety, it’s something else, maybe I am just anti-social. But it’s not something big enough to stop me from moving forward. I have treated myself as fragile even before Stacey died. I have been swept up in the idea of misery (maybe, even as I write this I doubt myself) and I have used my mental health issues to excuse too many things. (This is turning into a bit of a confession now I think.)
Last week saw a change: I was going to start helping myself again. Remember that strength, it’s been taking a break which is cool but it’s time to start moving forward. I can’t be miserable forever and if I have the ability to help myself then I should. I am still devastated and not used to the dull ache that I’m assured will always kind of be there, but I can at least carry it now, I think(&hope). I’m still not really sure about going out more, I seem to still be a bit hit and miss there.
With that in mind I’ve started writing something, it might be a show, or really long poem or I don’t know. But I’ve seen some amazing shows recently that have really inspired me to take the thing I want to explore deeper and write about them. Whatever it is, it’s loss and love and friendship and I hope I have enough discipline to stick with it.
I am also going to finish my abortion zine – I totally forgot about it until speaking to Ren recently about zines. I’ll have to get that sorted soon.
Thanks for reading my ramble, I am working from home today and felt the need to write something reflective.
P.S: Thanks to Mal for the amazing podcast recommendation – You Must Remember This? by Karina Longworth – unearthing forgotten scandals and histories from 20th century Hollywood.