Spring Forward (An Original Title)

If you’re reading this from the Southern parts of the UK you’ll know about the glorious sunshine gracing our lands for the past week or so. I have certainly been enjoying it. After a cruel winter, I almost forgot how much I crave the infectious activeness brought on by good weather. My social life peaked for the first time this year, enjoying several trips to Bristol parks and a rather weird but fun night with old friends, Tequila and Buckfast. Before that I was getting to the point where I was pissing myself off because a voice inside somewhere just kept whispering to me that I was grieving and that was heightening my anxiety and I was getting myself into a right mess.

The truth is is that my anxiety is not that bad, it’s low functioning, but for awhile now I’ve been fine to go out, I just don’t want to. I don’t know why – I can’t be bothered to walk to my destination or I can’t muster the energy to interact with others. This isn’t anxiety, it’s something else, maybe I am just anti-social. But it’s not something big enough to stop me from moving forward. I have treated myself as fragile even before Stacey died. I have been swept up in the idea of misery (maybe, even as I write this I doubt myself) and I have used my mental health issues to excuse too many things. (This is turning into a bit of a confession now I think.)

Last week saw a change: I was going to start helping myself again. Remember that strength, it’s been taking a break which is cool but it’s time to start moving forward. I can’t be miserable forever and if I have the ability to help myself then I should. I am still devastated and not used to the dull ache that I’m assured will always kind of be there, but I can at least carry it now, I think(&hope). I’m still not really sure about going out more, I seem to still be a bit hit and miss there.

With that in mind I’ve started writing something, it might be a show, or really long poem or I don’t know. But I’ve seen some amazing shows recently that have really inspired me to take the thing I want to explore deeper and write about them. Whatever it is, it’s loss and love and friendship and I hope I have enough discipline to stick with it.

I am also going to finish my abortion zine – I totally forgot about it until speaking to Ren recently about zines. I’ll have to get that sorted soon.

Thanks for reading my ramble, I am working from home today and felt the need to write something reflective.

P.S: Thanks to Mal for the amazing podcast recommendation – You Must Remember This? by Karina Longworth – unearthing forgotten scandals and histories from 20th century Hollywood.


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