I wonder sometimes at how many people must sit in front of their computer screen with an empty blog post in front of them. Just sat there, watching the cursor flick impatiently.
I would like to write something meaningful and heartfelt but there’s never a good place to begin. I would guess it started when I met Ivo. I had been working before that with no prospect or direction in my life, I was full of contradictions about the world and the people in it. I never really knew how lost I had been until I met him. He’s a very intense person, and he can make you forget every bad thing in your life by being himself. I’ve been out with guys like this before; but its never lasted long. I’m too serious and practical; too uptight and organised to be so liberal and relaxed. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to have fun, but my life has always been constricted of silent rules that I have set for myself. To grow up, to grow into my desk job and have a modest, pretty flat to myself.
Ivo has a tendency to disrupt, in a good way. And that’s what happened; he disrupted my routines, my rules, my way of living. Through his view of life, I saw what it could be, I saw my individuality come back from the edge of maturity and remind me of my dreams and my wishes for life. He made me look at life differently; with a creative, not critical eye. The high paid job that had driven me for so long was no longer quenchable. I wanted more, I wanted meaning.
And so I’m here today, on my day off and going between reading and writing. My life has rushed to change in a few short months and for the first time in six years I am going into unemployment, willingly. I sometimes doubt myself, this change, whether it is really want I want or a fickle life decision. Half my problem is the lack of confidence in myself and my abilities. The truth is I’m scared to go on in life without money and without the philosophic comfort of being able to buy myself happiness. But writing and working with other poets, performers and friends has made me the happiest I’ve been in a working environment. In return for the dismissal of a consumer driven lifestyle, I get amazing experiences in poetry performance, in writing and reading and studying what I’m passionate about. Some people say that the way life works is that you either have a high paid job that makes you miserable or you have the best job and no money, and if that is true then I can live without Clinque make up. Love is a great eye opener and I am very lucky.